the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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