what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
