She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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