I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
