On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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