We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
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i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
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Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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