Just fell off a train. Bad.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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