Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
