I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
