I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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