She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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