My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
