Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
