HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
