Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
