when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
