dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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