last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
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I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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