Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
