The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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