Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I think I sprained my soul last night
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
FUCK WHALES
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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