If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
3pm strippers are depressing
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
In other news, I just burned my penis
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
