i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
