Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Randomize
