his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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