I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
