This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
