Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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