Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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