so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
