We won't sleep together?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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