If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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