it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
