I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
