Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
