I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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