hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
