need another drink. this is the easiest way
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize