Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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