I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
