Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
