The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
