I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
