I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
