Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
