FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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