my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
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im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
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My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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