oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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