blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
