I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
