I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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