i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
