Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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