you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
