Got a toothbrush?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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