while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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