Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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