I like my sex mixed with concussions.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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