just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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