If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Farmville is her only friend.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom